Horse Humor

You know you're a horse person when...

  1. You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.
  2. Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own.
  3. You refer to your car as "my portable tack room."
  4. You are excited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are disappointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.
  5. You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician on your speed dial.
  6. Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack room.
  7. Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.
  8. Your nice clothes are the ones without horsehair all over them.
  9. You have to go to your friend's wedding in riding clothes because you took too long at the barn.
One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses, he fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: "FOUND'ER!"
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" the horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"

How do you...

induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
P.M.S. -- Pissy Mare Syndrome

MURPHY'S HORSE LAWS

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within 50 feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run a way from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down!

Horses vs. Husbands

Good Things About Husbands:
Husbands are less expensive to shoe.

Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.

A lame husband can still work.

A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked.

Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back.

They're better able to understand puns.

If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot.

They know their name.

They pay their own bills.

They apologize when they step on your toes.

They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle.

They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too)

For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them.
Men rarely pee in the middle of the bed day in and day out.

Men don't usually trample their dinner into their beds, or eat the bedding.

You don't have to bolt the door every time you leave them for a few minutes
to stop them running back to their friends.

The Horse's Advantage:
If they don't work out you can sell them.

They don't come with in-laws.

You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.

You never have to iron their saddle pads.

If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.

They smell good when they sweat.

You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape.

It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".

You can force them to stay in good physical condition...with a whip if necessary.

They don't want their turn at the computer.

They turn white with age, but not bald.

They learn to accept restraint.

They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Your horse will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive

Your horse will be glad of the company if you go shopping for another one, and your friends will approve of you keeping more than one, as this is more natural.

All I need to know in life I learned from my horse:

When in doubt, run far, far away.
You can never have too many treats.
Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
Eat plenty of roughage.
Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
In times of crisis, take a poop.
Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
These would be perfectly normal things to say in horse company, but not things you'd want to say in public or non-horse people might get the wrong idea!
  • Do you like my breast collar?
  • His sheath was really dirty, but I cleaned it.
  • In the winter, his Ass gets really hairy.
  • Don't jump on him, sit down gently.
  • What a lovely Jackass!
  • She wants to breed to my stud.
  • There's nothing like 17 hands between you legs!
  • Can I pet your Ass?
  • He had a bad attitude, so we castrated him.
  • He's got a lot of stamina, you can ride him all day long.
  • Is she a maiden?
  • I wanted to breed to her stud, but he's all booked this season.
  • You can come when we do the breeding.
  • He's really good at walking and pooping at the same time.
  • He didn't try to run away when we drove the nails in.
  • He broke his leg, so they shot him.
  • She bites her baby if it behaves badly.
  • She's on a new diet, she's only eating grass.
  • She just got a new rack.
  • If he's not good, just grab his lip and twist it.
  • When I'm done riding him, you can have a turn.
  • They cut his toe shorter and he walks better now.
  • If her baby nurses too hard she bites it.
  • He's much better if you ride him with a crop.
  • I jumped 4 feet high yesterday.
  • She's got a really nice, big, square butt.
  • What color are her gums?
  • The mother is black and the father is white, and the baby came out black and white spotted.
  • Don't worry, it's normal for his mouth to foam.
  • All of her babies have been sold overseas.
  • I know she's going to have a baby soon because her butt is soft.
  • Her baby started walking about 20 minutes after birth.
  • Her body was covered in 4-inch long hair, but I clipped it off.
  • He has trouble mounting her because she's so tall.
  • She likes to roll in the dirt after her bath.
  • He has 64 babies.
  • He goes outside in just a blanket.
  • He was about 6 months old when we branded him.
  • I have to use a stool to mount him.
  • If he's spilling his food on the ground, he might need a dentist.
  • I was listening to his gut sounds last night...
  • One testicle is visible, but I can't even feel the other one.

Seller's Terms...what they say & what they mean...

  • Big Trot: can't canter within a 2 mile straightaway
  • Nicely Started: we can lounge him, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
  • Top Show Horse: won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusual low entries due to a hurricane
  • Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
  • Recently Vetted: someone else found something badly wrong with the horse
  • Big Boned: good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
  • Doing Courses: when tranqualized to the eyeballs & lunged 6 hrs straight before hand
  • Well Mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
  • Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
  • Should Mature 16 hands: currently 13h, dam is 14.3hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA
  • To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy - bye every night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
  • Bold: runaway
  • Athletic: He's a runaway, but he looks good doing it
  • Needs intermediate Rider: runaway
  • Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway
  • Dead Quiet: just dead
  • Started O/F: Started overfeeding because we can't ride
  • No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle
  • Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
  • No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed
  • Excellent Disposition: never been out of his stall
  • Clips, hauls, and Loads: Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load him
  • Great Halter Prospect: Bred for beauty, not for brains
  • Selling due to divorce: My spouse certaintly couldn't stand him...
  • Bomb Proof: So dumb you could set off a bomb under his tail and he wouldn't blink.
  • Good Mother: She's too dumb to do anything else.
  • He Can Do It All: bite, kick, buck, rear...
  • Flasy: nice looking... forget about him being rideable
  • Stunning: you'll be stunned at his kicking power
  • Very Brave: even a whip can't force him back
  • Slight Case Of Navicular: better buy him before he's too lame to walk
  • Proven Sire: The mare we bred him to had a baby
  • Lots of Potential: Under the right circumstances, you migh be able to ride him
  • Great Bloodlines: He can't do anything, but that's okay becuase some horse 20 generations back did something
  • Already Broke: two fences, one arm, six buckets
  • Got Cow Sense: he'll attack any cattle within a 5-mile radius
  • Unregistered: probably stolen
  • Protective Mother: don't even think about going near the foal
  • Lady's Horse: Perfectly sweet with women, but will kill men
  • Good Disposition: The only good thing about him
  • Selling Due to Retirement: he's making us old
  • Started Good: we quit while we were ahead
  • Started: we quit while we were still alive
  • Loud Color: we spray painted him bright red
  • Really Broke: literally
  • Slight Nervouse Habit: he shakes and has muscles ticks anytime anyone asks him to think
  • Great Stud: breeding is the only thing he's good at
  • Anyone Can Ride: as long as they have the right protective gear, they will survive
  • Smooth: you won't notice he's bucking until you're on the ground!
  • Event Prospect: Big, Fast Horse
  • Dressage Prospect: Big, Slow Horse
  • Hack Prospect: Pretty Color
  • Sporting Prospect: Short, Fast Horse
  • Camp Prospect: Fast Horse which can turn
  • Endurance Prospect: Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
  • Flashy: White Socks
  • Attractive: Bay
  • 15.2hh: 14.3hh
  • 16.2hh: 15.3hh
  • To Loving Home Only: Expensive
  • To Show Home Only: Very Expensive
  • Needs Experienced Rider: Potentially Lethal
  • Elegant: Thin
  • In Good Condition: Foundered
  • Free Moving: Bolts
  • Quiet: Lame in Both Front Legs
  • Dead Quiet: Lame in All Four Legs
  • Good in Traffic (Bombproof): Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
  • Loves Children: Kicks and Bites
  • Pony Type: Small and Hairy
  • Arab Type:Looks startled
  • TB Type: Looks Terrified
  • Quarter Horse Type: Chunky
  • Halter Horse Type: Fat
  • Warmblood Type: Big and Hairy
  • Draught Type: Big and Exceedingly Hairy
  • Easy to Catch: Very Old
  • Must Sell: Wife has left home and taking kids
  • All Offers Considered: I am in Traction for 6 months
  • Good Jumper prospect: Looks great jumping over the pasture fence, if you can ever catch'im, you might just have yourself a great jumper!

Top 10 Spookey Things

A horse's point of view

10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."

9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"

8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."

7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."

6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."

5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."

4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded North American Trail Snakes."

3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."

2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."

1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."

Funny Cowboy Quotes

Here are some cowboy quotes & tips for life:
  • Don't squate with yer spurs on.
  • Don't let your yearnings get ahead of your earnings.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • Don't dig for water under the outhouse.
  • Never take down another man's fence.
  • Never drive black cattle in the dark.
  • The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.
  • Make apologies not excuses.
  • Water and truth are freshest at their source.
  • Don't go in if you don't know the way out.
  • Brace your backbone and forget your wishbone.
  • If you climb in the saddle, be ready for the ride.
  • Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.
  • The horse stopped with a jerk-- and the jerk fell off!
  • Any cowboy can carry a tune. The trouble comes when he tries to unload it.
  • When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  • Always drink upstream from the herd.
  • Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
  • Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
  • If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
  • If it doesn't seem to be worth the effort it probably isn't.
  • Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket
  • Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • The biggest troublemaker you'll ever deal with watches you shave his face every morning.
  • Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  • The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
  • When in doubt, let your horse do the thinkin'.
  • Basketball, Football, Baseball... RODEO: Bring yer own BALLS!
  • Don't mess with something that ain't bothering you.
  • It's better to keep your mouth shut an look stupid than open it and prove it.
  • Treat a woman like a racehorse, and she'll never be a nag.
  • When a cowboy's too old to set a bad example, he hands out good advice.
  • There' are two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
  • Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
  • If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
  • Just 'cause trouble comes visiting doesn't mean you have to offer it a place to sit down.
  • When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
  • Never ask how stupid someone is 'cause they'll turn around and show you.
  • Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
  • If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe," and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back? They're always switching their tails.

What did the wife say to the undertaker when he started hitting his broken down car? Stop beating a dead hearse.

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church. He got colt feet.

What does it mean if you find a horse shoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on? It made him shy.

What has four legs and sees just as well from either end? A horse with his eyes closed.

What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Jockey and Jill!

What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!

Why is the old, decrepit horse named Flattery? Because it gets you nowhere!

Why is an egg like a young horse? Because it can't be used until it's broken!

What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!

What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? The ground!

What's another name for an assistant stable cleaner? A co-pile-it!

As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!

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